Diving In Impulsively: Not the Best Way to Have a Conversation

Emotional storms can rise like sudden weather changes

I’ve been thinking a lot about difficult conversations, having just given a presentation on the topic this past week. So it is only natural that I should have my own version of a difficult conversation this morning. Unfortunately, I did not measure up to my own ideas of best practice! (Reality is humbling). Here’s the story, in brief:

I got an e-mail from an accountant who asked me to do something I didn’t think I should have to do (although I admit it was related to a responsibility of mine). It made me mad! I did not want one more thing to do! So I fired off e-mails in response. A flurry of e-mails followed, and in the end, the problem was resolved. (I was right after all…not my responsibility…) But I regretted my impulsive and annoyed tone—to say nothing of all the e-mails—so I ended my final e-mails with what I hoped was more graciousness.

Now according to my presentation, I would have been wise to prepare myself before entering into this conversation (e-mail exchanges are one form of conversation, as anyone who has hit the “send” button too rapidly already knows). I would have been wise to examine what feelings and attitudes were being triggered by this accountant’s not-too-outrageous request.

So why didn’t I take a moment? Why didn’t I go through the reflective process I recommend?

I forgot. Plain and simple. I forgot that I was dealing with a hot-button issue, that I had a deep history around this particular topic, that despite wonderful progress in letting go of resentments, I still had fragments of resentments lingering, resentments that became alive as if poked as with an electric rod at the moment I was asked to do this “one more thing.” I went way out of balance.

It is so easy to react strongly, too strongly, and without nuance. It is easy to dip into your own hot mess of emotions that go way back in time and bring up a glob to hurl around in the present. Anger, fear, sadness—most of us have hidden reservoirs of these, not because we are bad or immature people, but because we are people. We are human beings with histories, and histories tell a story. We can advance, learn, grow, change…yet ghosts of our old stories are there if the right moment comes to awaken them.

Even now, writing about this kind of impulsive state, I remember the bubbling emotion, the fast-rising irritation. I know how easy it is–just by imagining–to move toward full-out anger or indignation, which I can then use like a diving board to jettison myself into a conversation I never intended to have.

In next blog post, the reflective process after-the-fact and what I could have done before-the-fact

Questions for Reflection: When are you most likely to respond impulsively and emotionally? What comes to mind when you think about bringing unprocessed emotions into a difficult conversation?

Writing Prompts: “I can easily react impulsively when ______” (then keep writing); “I have had experience with getting my [anger/sadness/resentment] triggered in conversations when ______” (then keep writing); “I get out of balance when I am feeling ______” (then keep writing).

Tagged as: anger, balance, boundaries, difficult conversations, emotions, fear, hot-button issue, out of balance, resentment, sadness