December is a big month for gifts. So while you are thinking up gifts to give, here’s a blog about an event from this summer, when I gave a gift I didn’t know I had in me.
I cut hair while my sister-in-law provides support.
It’s been a hard year for my mother-in-law, Leona Goldman. Along with her 95th birthday came some injuries that made it hard for her to go out anywhere. When we visited in August, she wanted a haircut, but getting into a car was too painful.
For no rationale reason and based on no evidence, I decided I could cut her hair. I was not just trying to rescue the distressed (a life pattern that has not always turned out well). I honestly believed I could do this.
I’ve never cut hair. I never cut my dolls’ hair or even played with a friend’s hair or put my own hair in different styles. I never had intuition about creative hair and, as in most areas of life, I didn’t take big risks.
Yet when it was clear we wouldn’t get to the salon, I cheerfully said, “I can do it. I’ll cut Mom’s hair.”
So we put newspaper on the kitchen floor and set up a straight-backed chair. My sister-in-law had hair cutting scissors (once purchased by her sons, who learned to cut their hair to save money). I took hold of the scissors in one hand and a comb in another, and I proceeded, slowly, to cut.
How do we do things we don’t really know how to do? How do we enter into a role that we are pretending to inhabit? What was I doing that day, as I captured locks of hair in the comb and snipped and clipped away? Even more curious, why did I feel so calm and capable?
About eight years ago I visited my Aunt Ruth when she was still living in an apartment in Florida. She was in a wheelchair and had barely any hair (the family genetic curse) but she said she needed a haircut. We trundled off to her hair stylist, and I watched while the woman cut my aunt’s wispy strands. The stylist treated my aunt as if she were an important person, a younger and more attractive woman, a woman with a glorious mane of hair that needed tending. She was warm, respectful, and admiring (when she stood back and said, “Now you look beautiful,” I believed her). I remember thinking, “What a gift, so generously given.”
So on the day that I found myself cutting my mother-in-law’s hair, I remembered that Florida stylist. I let myself be her. I felt entrusted with a precious task, and I searched for the same kindness and respect I had witnessed.
As for the skill part, the actual hair cutting (yes, there’s that…), I just channeled the woman who cuts my hair. After all, every time I go for a cut I sit there and watch. I see how she hold the comb and angles the hair, how she cuts small amounts at a time, how she works the whole head, how she follows the line of the style. I’ve seen enough to learn something.
My mother-in-law models her new haircut
That afternoon with my mother-in-law, I worked steadily and patiently, with an inexplicable confidence. I imagined my heart was that of the Florida stylist, and my hands were those of my own stylist, and somewhere in there I became a person who could, for this one time, cut hair.
Questions for Reflection: What kind of gifts do you give when you give of yourself? Have you ever done something outside your comfort zone or skill set? What helped you do that? What do you think about drawing upon the strengths of others to accomplish something new?
Writing Prompts: “I remember a time when I created a gift of ______” (then keep writing); “I really admire people who give the gift of ______” (then keep writing); “The whole topic of hair makes me want to write about ______” (then keep writing); “If I try to pretend I’m someone else, I can find myself ______” (then keep writing).
{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: JulieanneCase
December 5, 2011 at 9:44 am
I believe through most of my life, I’ve done things out of my comfort zone. I had so little belief in myself and my abilities that I never believed I could do anything except cook! I was always startled when I did something well that I didn’t believe I could do. I believe that we’ve all done those things in previous lives and when it’s necessary those skills come forth in this life to helps us do things that just need doing!
Julieanne Case
Always from the heart!
Reconnecting you to your Original Blueprint, Your Essence, Your Joy| Healing you from the Inside Out |Reconnective Healing | The Reconnection| AgeLoc Skin Care | Pharmanex Supplements
http://thereconnectivehighway.com
Julieanne Case recently posted..Foodie Vacation – Always!
Julieanne, Now there’s something I hadn’t considered–a past life as a hair dresser! Hope I have good karma from that one
I’m glad you’ve moved beyond cooking, since you obviously have many other talents in this life.
Twitter: susanberland
December 5, 2011 at 10:30 am
What a wonderful, sweet story. And what a blessing you were to your mother-in-law. Sometimes we just know, we just know. This was one of those times. Intuition is a strange thing. We cannot explain it but when we go with it, sometimes miraculous things happen and this was one of them.
Susan Berland
A Picture’s Worth
http://susan-berland.com
Susan Berland recently posted..Can you find your digital photos?
Thanks, Susan. Yes, there was something so incredibly right about this. We had all been struggling in the visit a little because my mother-in-law’s decline and loss of independence have been hard on her and my sister-in-law (and on us, even from a distance). But this event of cutting her hair proved very jolly and uplifting, and afterwards we had a festive feel. Plus my mother-in-law was happy, which hasn’t been coming easily of late. Needless to say, I made sure to document with pictures!
Twitter: fromABroad
December 5, 2011 at 11:17 am
Judy,
You are truly a remarkable woman not only in accessing your inner hair stylist to make someone happy, but in the deep kindness you show in reflecting on the subject and the people you deal with: your Mother in Law, Aunt Ruth and her hairdresser.
You ARE a special gift!
Laine D.
“Aspire to Inspire”
http: //www.ThoughtsfromABroad.net
Thank you, Laine. To me, one of the gifts I get is to experience that deep level of kindness, whether in observing others (the Florida hairdresser) or feeling it myself. And just to be able to give in a surprising way is quite wonderful.
Twitter: vickidellojoio
December 5, 2011 at 12:08 pm
How absolutely moving, Judy. Your writing always opens my heart and mind. I love in this story how you moved into an utter grounded and clear place in your decision to support your mother-in-law. Talk about “in the zone.” You are truly a gifted reflector and as a journal-er I always appreciate your writing prompts.
Vicki Dello Joio recently posted..Relieve Stress with Qigong: A Story and a Practice
Hi Vicki, Yes, I was in a zone, and I didn’t really reflect on it much until afterwards–I guess that’s the nature of being in a zone. You don’t think about it, you are just there. I’m sure I was breathing very well, too, as I was so calm. My husband actually commented that he could see from my body language that I had entered into a different space. Afterwards I came back “into myself,” and I knew I had been elsewhere!
What a wonderful story! and, by the way, the photo of your mother in law shows that you did a marvelous job! FYI, my current hair stylist works in a salon in Los Gatos a few days a week, but also has her own service where she will travel to your home or even your office to do your hair. I doubt she would travel to Seattle, but she does offer a great service that has made my life easier! But I am betting you would not have wanted to miss the experience you had by being able to provide such a precious gift to your mother in law; what you described learning from the woman in Florida and your own hair stylist was such a thoughtful example of how much we affect one another in our daily lives by what we do and in ways we may never know about. I bet that your story here will move someone who reads it to doing something similar for someone they love, and that is such a beautiful gift too! Thank you for sharing, Judy; your writing is always such a bright spot in the day!
Hi Donna, Yes, there are people who will come to your home, and we would gladly have done this for my mother-in-law, but she was upset about spending that extra money (which added to the general upset of not being able to get out), and so that wasn’t an option she’d consider. But you are right, I’m really glad we had the experience we did. I so enjoyed sharing this story, and I’m grateful you read it, as I know you bring such a loving spirit to this world. Thanks for being here, Donna!
Twitter: MosaicTutoring
December 5, 2011 at 1:13 pm
I love this story! What a gift you gave your mother-in-law and what a gift you received in return. I must admit, I would not have had the confidence to cut hair, but your experience really made me think. How many things do we avoid in our life because we’ve convinced ourselves we can’t do them? An important question.
Hi Cory, I think that’s part of what this story says to me–we avoid things based on some belief. But what if there’s so much more there? Sometimes we can step outside of ourselves and discover quite a bit. (Of course, I wouldn’t have tried this with someone whose hair styling was critical!)
When we allow our intuition to be heard we can do amazing things!
Your story is a great reminder to myself to listen and be amazed.
P.S. Your mother-in-law couldn’t be cuter!
Emily recently posted..Love your home again!
Emily, I was very amazed by this! Isn’t something where intuition will take us? I agree that my mother-in-law looks lovely (she didn’t look bad before the haircut, either!). She was very happy and more comfortable.
Twitter: phmomma21
December 5, 2011 at 5:32 pm
Hi Judy:
Wow, I don’t know if I would have the guts to do that. I won’t cut my daughter’s hair even.
Good for you though for giving it a try. The hair cut looks great.
Hugs:o)
Jane~mom to Nicole, 17 yo, VSD, PAH, Eisenmengers, BHJS
“If you don’t like something change it, if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.”
Hi Jane, I sure wouldn’t try this with a teenager unless that teenager is capable of being very forgiving! (I remember a lot of hair drama–no way would I have let my mother cut my hair!) But I’m so glad I did this for my mother-in-law. She got the haircut she wanted, and I had the pleasure of giving something I didn’t know i had in me.
Twitter: robertssister1
December 5, 2011 at 8:11 pm
Judy, What a beautiful story and picture. Your mother-in-law looks absolutely so grateful with such love in her eyes in the picture. Last summer I wrote about a haircutting experience with Robert and I was so moved by the experience I have taken Robert to that same stylist every time he needs a cut (sometimes when he doesn’t!). She is exactly how you described your Florida stylist — she is warm, respectful and takes such an interest in Robert. It always warms my heart to see how people can influence others so deeply. Did you ever think you’d be channeling that Florida stylist 8 years ago? Did she ever think she would influence someone so profoundly (and, in turn, brighten your mother-in-law’s day)?
You gave your mother-in-law such a special gift. You are a wonderful woman, Judy!
Trish
http://www.robertssister.com
caregiving. family. advocacy.
Trish recently posted..A Caregiving Holiday Blog Party!
Trish, Isn’t it amazing what a powerful experience a haircut can be? I’m sure that watching Robert be treated so lovingly in his haircut is very rewarding to you as well. I only wish I knew who the stylist in Florida was so I could write to her and share the blog. I never would have imagined that I would save the memory of that visit and have it come to me at just the right time. I can’t say I always love Florida (it was really hot then!) but I had some great moments there.
Wow.. This looks so awesome. Just the two pics talk of a complete makeover. Its great that people take good care of the elderly. This is my first visit on your blog, & the first post has impressed me a lot. Will stay here for sometime & I am subscribing to your feed so that I keep coming back.
Mark Stevens recently posted..Bluehost
Twitter: salvatier
December 6, 2011 at 10:37 am
I would be so afraid to ruin someone’s hair so I commend you on having the courage and skill to cut your MIL’s hair. A very good job, and a very kind thing to do for her. Thanks for sharing.
Dennis Salvatier recently posted..Design Inspiration Should Be Shared
Twitter: ourlittlebooks
December 6, 2011 at 11:10 am
Judy- I love your writing, both your style and your message! Somehow you always get me thinking or remembering (which to me is one of the purposes of writing!)
This brings up a bittersweet memory of mine. When my mom found out that her cancer had spread, she decided that she didn’t want to burden us, the kids, with the long drawn out process of dying. So she decided to just stopped eating. I took care of her for those 25 days it took for her to move on.
One day, during this process, she wanted a haircut but, like your MIL, she could not get out of the house. So her local hairdresser came to the house and gave her a wash and cut. This woman treated my mom like you did your MIL and the FL hairdresser, with great love and respect and made my mom feel good in her appearance. While this lady chatted and was upbeat, I could tell that she knew exactly what was going on and that this would be my mom’s last haircut. When she left the room, she burst into tears, wouldn’t take any payment and left after giving me a big hug. Obviously, I’ve never forgotten that as I am sure you and your MIL won’t forget her haircut either.
Candace Davenport
http://www.ourlittlebooks.com ~ Little Books with a Big Message
Candace Davenport recently posted..Guest Post Wednesday – Always Tell the Truth
Candace, Your wonderful comment made this post even more meaningful to me. Truly beautiful. The idea of a “last haircut” is both powerful and poignant. I’m so glad that memory was there to be awakened! I’ve never really thought about hair stylists as much as I have now–both from the actual hair cutting event to the writing of this blog–but I can see from your comment and some others that there are many who really see there work as a mission and a way to give to people. Thank you so much for sharing a memory that must have so many layers for you–caring for your mother, being present for her final haircut, and ultimately sitting with her through death. Thank you, Candace. I treasure your contribution here.
Twitter: brendamjones
December 6, 2011 at 11:17 am
What a sweet story! My hubby has me cut his hair and it terrifies me every time. My daughter just got her first ever hair cut (at a month shy of 4 years old) and I had a professional do it because I didn’t trust myself to even give her a trim.
I guess I used a “gift” this weekend at my daughter’s dance recital. She is in the “minis company” — competitive dance team of 3 and 4 year olds. For one of their dances, they had this funky headpiece. My friends had all texted that the hats weren’t staying on when they tried them at home, so I played around with hair clip supplies that I have for one of my companies to see if I could figure something out. Tried it at dress rehearsal and it worked. The day before recital, we were all at a birthday party and one mom commented she had to run to the store to get a clip or something. I told her I’d bring my stuff to recital and fix her daughter’s hat. I ended up doing the hats of all of her class as we sat and waited for their first dance to come on. No one lost a hat on stage
Brenda Jones recently posted..Dancing in the Rain: When business and life gets tough
Hi Brenda – Great story about the recital and the hats. What wonderful and unexpected little gifts we find in ourselves! Sounds like a very successful event–no flying hats! As for our daughter, that’s a long time to wait for the first haircut, so I can imagine it was a huge event. I wouldn’t blame any mother for staying far away from cutting a child’s hair.
Twitter: ImogenRagone
December 6, 2011 at 3:10 pm
What a great story and a great gift you gave your mother-in-law! You ask what we have done outside our comfort zone. Well – today I finally launched my own blog. It feels extremely vulnerable to put oneself out there. What helped me do it was the belief that it is the right thing to for me, my profession (Alexander Technique teacher, which is not well known) and my business, AND getting training on how to do it. Interestingly – I think drawing on the strengths of people I have met through the training (Social Networking Coaching Club) who are blogging successfully, and other bloggers too, have contributed to me doing something outside my comfort zone – not only have I learned from how they do it, but I guess I also feel if they can do it I can too!
Congratulations, Imogen, on launching your blog! That’s definitely a big event. I have heard of Alexander Technique and will look forward to learning more about it from you. Yes, you definitely can stretch yourself, and SNCC will help you do so. Glad you came here today.
Twitter: louiseedington
December 6, 2011 at 4:39 pm
How I love this post! I particularly love how you say that you channeled as to me that can be how it feels when something is way out of our comfort zone. I think I am going to use this technique when I speak! i am going to channel a vision of a confident speaker! Your mother in law looks great by the way. You did a really good job!
Louise Edington
Breaking through Frontiers
http://louiseedington.com
Louise, It just felt like that–opening myself up to being someone else, letting that person’s ability guide me. I’m not one for Ouija boards or that sort of things, but I sure didn’t have those skills just within me! So I highly recommend finding someone who epitomizes what you want for yourself and letting her right in! Thanks for the compliment–my mother-in-law does look nice, doesn’t she?
Twitter: maureenabivins
December 6, 2011 at 6:44 pm
A lovely, moving story where loving hearts and actions facilitated the emergence of something truly memorable! Thanks for sharing this intimate moment with us. Anytime I try to take on something that I haven’t done before, I search for a template of “how to proceed”, just like you drew upon your experience with the Florida stylist. My stylist has shared with me that seniors who live alone are often deprived of physical contact with another person. She is honored to work with this population since it fulfills a very important biological need — skin-to-skin contact.
Maureena Bivins, PhD
Acupuncture & Somatic Therapy
http://www.maureenabivinsphd.com
Curious, committed, and compassionate.
What do you look for in a health care provider?
Maureena, After writing this blog I’m all the more impressed with what stylists have to offer, whether the elderly, disabled people, or us “ordinary” folks. Making people look and feel good is such service, such kindness. I hadn’t really thought about the physical contact of the hair cutting until you mentioned it, but yes, it’s a physically close act. Of course, in your work you obviously have very intimate and close physical contact for healing.
Twitter: RobbieSchlosser
December 6, 2011 at 8:00 pm
Hi Judy,
Thanks for this beautiful story. My own mother-in-law (92 years young) has been living with us for a few weeks shy of 3 years. I haven’t cut her hair yet — my wife has been taking her to her own stylist, as they call em these days. One of these days, though it’ll be my turn to wield the scissors, and I’m sure I’ll be able to summon the requisite bravado. After all, I used to cut my own hair, and who needs more practice than that?
You ask wunderful questions at the end, and I’ll have to think for a while…
Robbie
Robbie, Cutting your own hair sounds like it requires some hand and wrist flexibility (unless you just shave your head, as my husband used to do!) Seriously, it’s amazing how significant it is in the life of the elderly to have access to hair stylists. Most nursing homes even have them available. Sounds like you’ve offered your mother-in-law a real gift of a home in these recent years. More power to you.
Twitter: jenniferpeek
December 7, 2011 at 9:48 am
What a perfect holiday story – and so well-timed as many of us are at the malls fretting over getting the perfect gift. Over the years, I have moved away from physical gifts and focused on experiences. We do a great job of this with our kids – often traveling for that very reason. What I haven’t done that you have so simply yet eloquently pointed out is that very ordinary and everyday acts can be the biggest gift of all.
Jennifer Peek
http://findyournewgroove.com
The Freedom to Build a Business Your Way
Jennifer Peek recently posted..Weekly Q&A: Taming the Business Calendar Monster
Hi Jennifer, Your children are lucky if you are giving them experiential gifts, especially travel. I, too, really like the idea of finding gifts within ordinary life. Sometime might seem “nothing special” on the surface but be very meaningful in action. Happy holidays to you and your family!
Twitter: brandymychals
December 7, 2011 at 4:40 pm
What a fabulous story Judy – and a wonderful gift! I love how you channeled the other hair stylist and I love how you “went for it” – confident you were up to the task even though it was a new experience…
Brandy
Brandy Mychals recently posted..My 11 Pillars of Prosperity
Brandy, Yes, I definitely “went for it”–without even knowing why! I guess that moment of confidence coupled with some innate trust can take us very far. Nice to see you–thanks for the comment!
Sometimes the best gifts we can give are the impromptu ones when someone is in need. Thank you for sharing your story. It reminds me to “think outside the box” when it comes to gifts for this holiday season. Sometimes offering a helping hand on an everyday task is more meaningful than something purchased from a store.
Jennifer, This task presented itself like a gift to me–giving me a chance to give something to my mother-in-law. I never would have imagined it, in fact, had I thought about it too hard, I might have talked myself out of it because I’ve never cut hair before. Definitely outside the box for me!
Twitter: RowenaStarling
December 7, 2011 at 9:36 pm
What a beautiful job you did! I’m so very proud of you. Channeling appears to be something we all need to do more of! The whole topic of hair makes me think of the fact that I cut hair in the same way (channeling) on a regular basis, mine and my friends’.
Rowena Starling recently posted..testing wordbooker 2.08 (again)
You did do great! The after photo shows that. Sometimes when I need to deal with situations where I feel out of my depth, I think about how a role model for whom it would be easy, would do it. And I model myself on them and just ‘get on with it’. Which usually works out better than not even trying!
Abigail Gorton recently posted..Website Design
There is something to be said about believing you can do it! And you did!!! I cut hair all the time as a teenager…and for my kids sometimes now! Its funny just last week I told my mother (as we stood watching the Paul Mitchell students) that I think I missed my calling….she said go for it now…which made me laugh (4 kids in tow)…now you have me wondering again, lol! I think you did a wonderful job on your MIL’s hair….way to go!!! Keep the scissors sharpened:)
Rita Brennan Freay
http://ritabrennanfreay.com
Rita Brennan Freay recently posted..Saying Goodbye To A Pet Is Never Easy