A day of losing and finding my boundaries
I interrupt this Blog Challenge for an announcement about boundaries.
I lost mine today.
Boundaries—there are so many types. We have time boundaries (how do I use my time wisely?). We have work boundaries (how much do I take on? What belongs at work and stays there?). We have financial boundaries (what is reasonable spending for me?).
And then there are emotional boundaries, the psychological skin that separates us from others. How do I provide support to someone without absorbing more of their emotions or energy than I wish? How do I choose to set limits emotionally? What nurturance do I owe people and what is reasonable to withhold?
I am something of an expert in boundaries. That’s because I’ve had to work so hard to learn about them and discover my own. Then, because I’m a teacher at heart, I brought the topic into my work and taught about boundaries in the helping professions. I use the word “expert” lightly and a little tongue-in-cheek: I am an expert largely because I keep learning so many lessons (sometimes the hard way).
I tend to absorb emotions from others, to take on more of someone’s emotional energy than is wise. My husband jokes about me being an empath, like Star Trek’s Deanna Troi, who felt others’ emotions and moods telepathically. I may not be an alien hybrid, but my boundaries can be too loose, too open.
So what happened this morning? Really, it was just a garden-variety boundaries challenge for me. Someone I had been working with was asking for a different kind of help, and I was beginning to feel uncomfortable. My help wasn’t helping, and I began to feel emotional undercurrents. I set a limit, not about time or effort, but an emotional limit reflected in my words and affect. Afterwards, I was overly concerned, unable to get the exchange out of my mind, my thoughts recycling about the incident, my own anger rising. I was left scrambled, carrying something I had absorbed from the exchange. The feeling was confused and unpleasant and didn’t belong in my psychological space.
The intensity of my feelings and the way the emotional interplay “owned” me for the morning reminded me: I have a ways to go in regulating my boundaries. But the good news was this: I was neither inappropriate nor rude, and I set a limit that felt emotionally honest and necessary. As is often the case, when I got out of the way, the other person had a chance to reflect and do her own work. Resolution came later in the day.
I am calm now, and ready to add today to my boundaries resume. That’s the kind of expert I am: always ready to learn some more.
Questions for Reflection: How do you see the issue of boundaries surfacing in your life? What are the symptoms for you when you are losing your boundaries? Do you feel in charge of your emotional boundaries?
Writing Prompts: “The boundaries that are most difficult for me are those that involve ______” (then keep writing); “My emotional boundaries tend to be ______” (then keep writing); “I know that I’m struggling with boundaries when ______” (then keep writing); “I’d like to improve my boundaries in dealing with ______” (then keep writing).
Want to read other blog posts about boundaries?
“Frazzled and Imbalanced: Familiar Territory, Welcome Solution”
“I’m Saying No and I Mean It (Do I?): The Challenge of Boundaries”
“Time Consciousness and Time Wisdom: Finding Creativity and Calm for 2011″
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: FranziskaSP
March 15, 2011 at 9:17 pm
Hi Judy,
wow I am having a very hard time understanding your post. It’s the English word “boundaries” -it is a word that in my language isn’t used, or let’s put it that way: for every example that you used like time, work, finances, we describe it differently and there is no one translation for it -but I finally figured it out!
I think it is important that we need to let go sometimes, I hope you will be free tomorrow and own yourself again. Some people somehow manage to take our energy and absorb us -whether they are aware of it or not. Put yourself in a bubble and protect yourself!
I have learned something new; a new word that I thought had just one meaning and a circumstance that is not present in my culture and a new feel to something that is hard to grab,
Franziska San Pedro
The Abstract Impressionist Artress
Franziska, I’m so glad you were willing to figure out the unfamiliar word! I think most native English speakers know the word boundary, but it can mean different things to different people. As for me, I am now past the earlier experience–owning myself and feeling free! Really like the image of a bubble for a bit of self-protection should I need it! But I’m feeling energized and re-balanced, so already looking forward to tomorrow. – Judy
Judy, thanks for this. Boundary issues are really huge for me, because when I was a kid, through a series of unfortunate events, I “got fed” 2 bottles of appetite booster that made me hungry when I wasn’t. As I gained 30 pounds in the year between age 6 and age 7, I lost the ability I should have been developing to trust my internal guidance.
It’s been a hard slog, and any skill I have with boundaries now is just that — a skill, but not something natural to me. I’m glad I can do it, but I sometimes feel like a child born with no arms who learned to comb her hair with her foot — okay, I can do it, and it’s all I know, but would it be like to have arms?
Allison, What a potent childhood event! I can see how it has created a lifelong story. I think most of us with boundary issues have some early experiences that paved the way. Your description of having no arms is very evocative. Thanks for sharing from such a personal perspective. – Judy
Twitter: AtticusUncensor
March 16, 2011 at 6:28 am
I think I’m an “expert” in this area too — at least per your definition: expert at forever learning lessons!
Like you Judy, my natural empathetic nature can betray me as I can easily get sucked into someone else’s emotions (negative). I have not been terribly strong at setting boundaries in the past, but I’m learning!
Heidi & Atticus
http://www.atticusuncensored.com
“commentary to give you paws…”
Heidi – That’s the hitch: I love my empathic nature (and that of others!), but it definitely can get me in trouble. The nice thing is–we definitely can learn if we are willing to accept some stumbles on the way. (And I don’t think Atticus could be as kind and loving as he is without that empathic streak that you share with him.)
I appreciate this post today. Not only is it timely in relation to what is going on in my life right now, but I also tend to absorb the emotions of others around me. Sometimes I don’t realize until well after the exchange how much I carry with me when I take my leave. I could write on this topic for days and still not address it all. Your writing prompts will help me get started. Thanks!
Hi Pam, I don’t think we ever address it all! When we are done with one experience, we move on to the next. But I know we can improve–I’ve seen it in myself. Good luck with writing about it. For me that helps a lot–gets some of the experience out of my mind and body and onto the paper. – Judy
Twitter: AlaraCastell
March 16, 2011 at 9:32 am
Ah you are an expert. Dictionary says…an expert, more generally, is a person with extensive knowledge or ability based on research, experience, or occupation and in a particular area of study. Yay! Thank you for your authenticity in this post.
The symptoms for me when I am losing my boundaries is sadness, anxiety and stress. When any of these come up I look at my life and ask where am I not setting boundaries and then I think what can I do. Do I need to ask for help? Do I need to set limitations? Then I take action and I feel much better. Not always easy, but definitely have been stepping up for myself.
Alara K. Castell
Your Sassy Spiritual Guide
Alara, So many of us work on this! You are right–not easy but worth it. Great idea to check the dictionary! – Judy